She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
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