I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
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