if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Hurry up I'm getting mooned by a hobo
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
Well you know I have tits so that's half the battle
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
Randomize
