I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
God gave him joint rollers for hands
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
Randomize
