So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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