for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
