I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
You made out with two different species that night
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
