There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Laurln. I am dying. I am npt alive. Adderrall is not a real thing. Death is a rwal thing which I understandably
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Randomize
