Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
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