God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I wonder why dictionaries dont have indexes to help find the words easier.
he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape
wtf, did you fuck a retard?!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
