You smell like a Billy Joel song
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
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I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
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I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
You were drunk at 5 You went to the dining hall and cried because your brain and fingers weren't working. Your RA came up to you and suddenly you became sober. I was very proud of you.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
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