When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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