i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I just want to lay in a bed of egg mcmuffins and cry
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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