I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Couch. On fire.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Randomize
