I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
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and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
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Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
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