I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
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stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
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Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
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