You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Randomize
