Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
4 girls from the bar, me, strip basketball. here. NOW
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
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