Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
Randomize
