there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
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Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
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THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is it bad that I like to have a guy to flirt with in every class? I feel like it's excellent motivation: to shave, to shower and to show up.
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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