I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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