I didn't shave. On purpose
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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