Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
you made out with another girl for some wings
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
