Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
Randomize
