that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
Randomize
