The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
Randomize
