look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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