Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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