I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
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