ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
