I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
it's great music for shaving your balls
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
