At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Randomize
