i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
There's a warrant out for his arrest for throwing a mannequin through a bus stop.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
I pour the whiskey from now on
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Oh, did your mom say anything else about my butt?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
