I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
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