wrigley field is MILF paradise
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
