So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
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I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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