R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
