im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
My cat was watching porn with me. Weirdest bonding experience ever.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
