I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Randomize
