I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
and here comes the time of my day when I haw to convince a guy to drive my cape and my handle to my dorm.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
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