He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
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I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
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At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
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