i can't wait to go to hell
yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
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