Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
Anne is dead. totally passed out and was flat out in the street
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
