I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Michael Bay diarrhea
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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