hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
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