Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
