So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
It usually only happens when Im really excited. Normally not that fast. You still enjoy it?
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I COULD BREAK CONCRETE WITH MY FOOTBALL ERECTION.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Randomize
