It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
