You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
Randomize
