You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize
