True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Randomize
