i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Her inability to understand the word "moderation" is the achille's heel of an otherwise perfect human
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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