Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.
The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt
fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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