I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
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