I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
