true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
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He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
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I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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